It's maybe too personal what I'm sharing, but I think it will offer a way into my head and heart that will help you to better understand my work.  I think its worth the risk sharing how I use my art to unveil parts of hidden self and share them.  Its my genuine hope that my art helps you discover and express something hidden in yours. 

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So here goes.

 

Art became important to me - necessary for me - at an early age.  I was raised by a father unable to express anything but anger which made for a particularly bad match between him and me.  At a very early age I learned to hide my feelings from him and the world. 

 

It just wasn't safe.

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Mom's cancer in her forties had the family centered on her care and I was left alone too much for a kid - I was eight or nine at the start.    Even before her illness she suffered from depression and was withdrawn.  There was too much conflict at home - there wasn't a lot of love.

 

Art became a necessary retreat before I could use words on paper or my voice to describe what this life was doing to me.  Crayons and pencil gave me a necessary outlet as a little guy to both grieve through dark marks and broken lead - to express sideways what I needed to - as well get love I needed without asking for it.  Teachers loved what I drew, and even on her deathbed mom loved a well drawn paper.

 

I still have to retreat to "feel", especially strong feelings, as the noise of the day tends to drown out whats going on inside.  Painting is a big part of that retreat.  Another part of the retreat is the storytelling I tell myself, trying to understand what it is that's going on in my head.

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Some of these stories I share with my kids, my wife and friends and sometimes to people I meet about to places I lived, people I loved and a past that made me who I am.  And for me, more and more, the stories and paintings blend together such that my paintings represent visual storytelling - without the details, just feelings shared.

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Its rare these days but the story might be as simple as I saw this field, wanted to paint it and wanted to show it to someone.  More often its something else. 

 

If I paint a field or a sky or a neighbourhood, particularly a large, well rendered painting, there's a lot of work that goes into that work that didnt even ten or twenty years ago.  I'll start with a small study or several small studies and ask myself all kinds of questions.   "Why this field?  Why this big sky?  Why the snow?  Whats the story behind this (for me), and how do I feel about it?  Again, how do I FEEL about this?  And is it worth painting?

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Maybe its just that pretty field I wanted to share - maybe its love and attention I'm needing and afraid to ask.  Just as likely its a field that reminds me of time I spent with my dad when I was in my early teens.  The mixed feelings I had wanting to be with him, to connect with him, scared of his disappoitment my not wanting to kill an animal despite him wanting to teach me to hunt.

 

The big sky I paint might remind me of times I had - good and bad - while in the Navy.  Dad had gotten sick and I was in the Med, unable to get home, his dying with our issues still unresolved.  Just as likely its a reminder of mom's desperate search for relief from her depression - her illness - looking to the heavens for Jesus and some relief - even through death - from her pain.

 

Maybe its a field that reminds me of a time with an old girlfriend looking for a place to be together alone.  The teen energy of raw, physical love and confusion wrapped up in secrecy hiding from her moms menacing gaze

 

Maybe it reminds me of a painting I saw in the Louvre or in D'Orsay or in MMFA or CAM.  Maybe its a field that reminds me of my favourite artist's work.

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And sometimes its just a pretty field I wanted to share.